A Letter On Loss

As a man I sometimes get so caught up in my own stuff that I don't see the beauty of the feminine spirit/heart.

I do however have a patient mentor here.

God in His infinite wisdom has given us the choice to learn through the experience we call life.

The passage of life is so brief when measured against the age of the universe.

There are a couple of stories that I'd like to share with you that encapsulate this.

When we were young Dad used to take us out into the back yard and point out the magnificence of the night sky.

My spirit still has a very powerful connection with the night sky and the farm that was our second home.

One restless night in my teens I stood behind the garage next to the house and gazed up into the Milky Way that rose from the South east above a nearby hill and spanned the sky. As I stood there a very faint damp breeze came from the direction of the hill and it was like I had felt the breath of the universe.

It was up to that time one of the most esoteric experiences of my life.

The second came almost thirty years later on a summers night when in the early hours of the morning something caught my attention and stepping out onto the East facing verandah I gazed up into a sky that so filled with stars that it was like a sequinned tapestry. How long I stood there drinking it in I will never know.

In the last couple of years of Mum's life I spent a bit of time with her on overnight stays. One particularly memorable night came from going to the car to get my overnight bag and experiencing something which even today still amazes me.

This night was dark because of tropical cloud, the air was perfectly still, so still and quiet in fact it was painful as my ears strained for any sound at all.

Each of these memorable experiences brings back the things that were happening at that time. They have become benchmarks that reflect if and how I have moved on. I am humbled by and grateful for each of these experiences. They have enhanced the tapestry of my life.

To the point that there is a folder on this computer called tapestry that records all of these.

One final thing while I'm sharing all of this is the pain that we can feel for things we have done and how we can change our perceptions of that experience.

At twenty one and serving in the Australian Army I met and fell in love with beautiful young woman. Twelve months later we became engaged.

The marriage never happened.

Military service had left a mark on me that caused me to walk away from a broken hearted young woman that I actually shared a real bond with. 

This lead to forty years of regret, guilt and shame.

On Wednesday this week I had a cardiologist appointment which included an ECG. Talking to the nurse doing the ECG turns out she came from the same suburb as K was from. In the course of the conversation she shared that her husband was in the Special Air Services regiment (has been for over ten years) some of the experiences he's had and how it impacted on their lives.

She then asked about my life since then and upon learning that I have a son and four grandkids originating from a marriage in my late twenties.

This lead me to understand what would be missing now if the first relationship hadn't failed. It has given me the compassionate understanding of what my son is experiencing with decisions his fourteen year old daughter has made that has left him hurt and angry to the point of not talking to her. Despite their always having had a very close relationship.

Life is an amazing journey and without the pain of loss we would not eventually come to understand true beauty, how loss can be liberating if we choose to let it. How loss can drive us to understand who we are in our own right and give us the incentive to reinvent ourselves.

Without the loss of a partner in 2008 and Mum in 2009 I would never have found the direction that is now Economic Vision.

I must have been in rapport with your experiences as from Saturday the sixth through to today there has been a sense of being overwhelmed, low health and a bleak depression.

Fortunately this has now gone.

Be well my friend

Kim.